Regrets
by Still Sane- Mostly
Summary: Harry is living life through a bottle. His life is nothing but an empty shell, and no one can pull him out of it. A little while after Hogwarts. PG-13 for some language and depression, drug abuse, and suicide. I suck at summaries. Please RR. Th4nx0rs!


**Regrets**

* * *

Harry looked at the girl next to him. She was beautiful, the blanket not quite covering her. It was all he could do to keep her to himself, not that it mattered anyway. He was numb around her. Sure, she was beautiful, but he was just an empty shell without _her_.

"Hey, Cho, I'm gonna' go for coffee. Wanna' come?" he asked, hoping she wouldn't. He needed some time alone.

"I'm good," she said, pulling the blanket up around her. "I'll just watch some TV."

"All right, then," said Harry as he left, pulling on a coat. "I'm just going to be over at Joe's."

"Bye," murmured Cho. Harry doubted if she had even heard. He doubted if she even cared, not that he did.

* * *

Harry looked at everything around him as he walked towards Joe's Coffee Shack and maybe a pub after. He looked at everything, remembering the way it had been that night.

"Harry?" she had whispered. "Harry, I think I'm in love."

"Oh?" he had laughed. "With whom?"

"Um, with Ron."

It had all come crashing down. Reality had finally set in. She didn't love him. She loved Ron. He was nothing. Nothing.

"What'll it be?" asked Joe, eyeing Harry's uneasy look.

"Something warm and preferably dark in color."

"Coming up."

The words came back to Harry.

"I'm sorry, Harry. I didn't know. You never did anything. I just couldn't stand it any longer. We both loved her. You just didn't act."

You didn't love her, thought Harry furiously. You never did.

"Why, Harry? Why must this ruin our friendship?" she asked.

Because he doesn't love you like I love you, thought Harry, too late, always too late with his feelings. Damn it. Damn it all!

Reality sank in.

* * *

Harry came back that night drunk, stoned into a stupor that fought away the demons.

Cho had seen it before. She tried to ignore it, but she couldn't. She just couldn't.

"Harry?" she asked softly, questioningly.

"Yeah?" he replied, more forcefully than he had intended to.

"What is it?" she asked, concerned.

"I've gotta' go."

"Harry, what is it? Damn it, Potter! Answer me!"

"I'll be at Joe's."

* * *

Harry walked into Joe's and strained for the music above the noise of conversation. Joe's always had good music. He strained and caught a bit. Led Zeppelin.

"Zep," he said, slightly amused. "Yeah, the Zep would understand my trouble."

Just then, the talking died down and he caught the song.

"I'll leave you in the summertime. I'll leave when the summer comes a-rolling. I'll leave you when the summer comes along," he sang gently. Yeah, the great Led would understand me.

He chuckled softly, and those nearby felt a shiver crawl up their spine.

"Nice song," said a voice behind Harry.

"Yeah," said Harry. "Zep understood the world."

He turned and was faced with someone he hadn't seen in years.

"Ginny!" said Harry in surprise. "How did you find me?"

"You walk around London in a drunken rage. It's not hard to find you," she said, with a grin on her face.

It's amazing how her plain face lights up when she smiles, thought Harry. "So, the whole world knows about me?" he said with a grimace.

"Pretty much," she said, laughing.

"Ugh....."

"How have you been, Harry?" asked Ginny gently.

"Crappy," before he could stop himself, and before he knew it he was sobbing onto her shoulder. He couldn't stop.

"There, there," she soothed.

"Where..... where are they?" asked Harry, hoping she'd say dead, like he should be.

"It doesn't matter," she said.

"Where?" he repeated, slowly and deliberately.

"Germany," Ginny answered finally. "Ron's working in their ministry and she's doing..... research."

Harry sat, looking at Ginny and absorbing the information.

"And what have you been doing, Harry Potter?"

"I'll get back to you."

"Harry," she said softly, delicately, "what were you doing before it happened."

"I was an auror."

"What happened?" she asked softly. Her tone made him answer.

"She left."

"You loved her?" Ginny asked.

"More than you could ever imagine."

He turned his back and began to walk away, singing softly," I'm gonna' leave you, woman....."

He didn't see the fist, and he barely felt it anyway. He was too drunk, too tired, and too dead to care.

* * *

"More than I could ever imagine?" screamed Ginny. "Damn it, Potter! I waited fifteen years for the chance for you to say you loved me. Well, you love her? More than I can imagine? Damn it, Potter!" She stopped for breath, her breasts rising and falling.

"Ginny....."

"Shut up and listen! You are a no good, selfish bastard, and you are unworthy of her affections anyway. Jesus! Why the hell do I love you? God, Almighty!"

"Ginny....."

"Shut up!"

The song had changed, but no one noticed. All eyes were on Harry and Ginny. No one moved a muscle.

"Ginny, what do you want me to say?" asked Harry tiredly. "Yes, Virginia Weasley, I love you beyond all imagine?" He had a hurt look in his eyes.

"Well," he yelled, "it's not gonna' happen! Damn it, Ginny! Why did you do this? Why didn't you just let me die?"

"Because I still love you, and there's nothing I can do about it," she screamed and ran out of the pub.

Harry maintained consciousness just long to hear the soft, almost spoken line, '.....and she's buying a stairway to hea-ven.' He blacked out.

* * *

"Harry!" floated a voice from just outside his consciousness. "Harry."

"Ginny?"

"Wake up, baby," the voice cried. "Please, wake up!"

Harry awoke to Cho's face. "Oh, thank God," she whispered. "You're alive."

"I've gotta' go," he said softly.

"What?" asked Cho.

"I'm never coming back." A tear escaped Cho's eye.

"Shut up, and put on some clean clothes," she joked, trying not to cry, desperately hoping he was playing a terrible, cruel joke.

"I'm going."

"B-but, why?" she sobbed.

Because of her, came a familiar answer in Harry's head. But a different her, he realized.

"Because I'm hurting you, and I don't have the right to hurt you. Not after you sticking with me even through the booze."

"Don't go," she whimpered softly. "Don't you love me?"

"No," was the sad reply.

* * *

Harry put on his suit in silence. It had been five years since he left Cho. He hadn't meant for this to happen.

'Dear Mr. Potter,

We regret to inform you that the funeral of Mrs. Cho Aleksov will be held this Saturday morning at 10 o'clock at St. L. Ron's Church of Scientology. Please dress accordingly.

Sincerely,

Gregoriy Aleksov'

Three years of drinking and drugs and she had met Gregoriy the Scientologist, thought Harry, and that had killed her.

He looked at the letter sadly. He hadn't loved her, but he hadn't hated her either. That man and his damned religion had killed Cho.

'You're under too much stress!'

'Here, come to our church. You'll feel better.'

That damned religion had killed her, and then she had killed herself.

Harry laughed spitefully, ironically to himself.

"I'm going out, Ginny," he called.

"You sure you don't want me to come?" Ginny asked.

"Not if you don't want to."

"Well, I'll be here with Derek."

* * *

Ginny found Harry out in back of a pub. From the looks of it, he had been in a fight, and from the bruises, she guessed he had lost.

"Harry?"

"Huh.....What?" asked Harry, dazed. "Ginny? What happened?"

"You were in another fight....."

Harry looked at himself. His suit was covered in dirt and ripped in two places. His hands were bruised and his stomach hurt so much he felt that it would burst.

".....You can't keep doing this." Ginny had been talking and he had missed it.

"Derek....."

"Derek doesn't like me," Harry stated simply.

"No, and it's because of things like this that he doesn't," she chided.

"So, just leave me and stay with him. He _is_ your husband."

"Harry, I couldn't leave you like you are now."

"And how am I now?" he demanded.

"You're a drunk bum who can't work his way out of his misery to get on with his life. You're stuck in your bottle and there's nothing anyone can do to save you from yourself!" She walked off steaming.

* * *

'Dear Mr. Potter,

We regret to inform you that the funeral of Mrs. Virginia Saddis will be held this Saturday morning at 10 o'clock at St. Andrew's Anglican Church. Please dress accordingly.

Sincerely,

Derek Saddis'

"Jesus," moaned Harry. "Why? How?"

"Cancer," replied Molly, at the door. "I hope you'll be there." She hugged Harry and left.

* * *

Ron was there, but she wasn't.

"Ron," Harry said stiffly.

"Harry," replied Ron coldly.

"W-where is she?"

Ron didn't reply. Instead, he turned and walked to his mother and kissed her cheek and hugged her.

* * *

".....and so we lay to rest Virginia Saddis, loving wife and mother of two. We can only pray for her family who have had to struggle through her horrific and lengthy passing," said the minister with true feeling in his voice. "I knew her for fifteen years. She was a witch with an extraordinary gift for making people feel welcome and loved. I am sorry to see her go."

"Amen," responded the gathered crowd.

The gathered witches and wizards each filed by and took a handful of earth, which they placed over the coffin. At the reception there was a subdued, sad mood that even the small children picked up on. There was no talking beyond the condolences offered to the Weasleys.

Eventually, Ron excused himself and headed towards the washroom. Harry was suprised to find himself following. Harry found Ron sobbing quietly into the sink.

Harry forgot for one instant the horrible, mangled mess that had become of their friendship and found himself by Ron's side.

"What is it, Ron?" he asked, concerned.

"Both of them, Harry," and Harry smelt booze on his breath.

"What?"

The radio in the bathroom was playing Led Zeppelin again, Harry realized.

"They're both dead, Harry. First her, now Ginny, Harry!" sobbed Ron.

"Wha-?"

"She's dead, Harry!" Ron shouted. "She's gone!"

'I'm a-gonna' leave you, woman.'

They were both sobbing, now. A tangled, hoarse whisper escaped Harry's lips, "Hermione."


End file.
